A man on a walking trip of post-World War I Europe gets caught in a storm. He comes across a remote monastery with a mysterious prisoner.
The episode starts off without Rod’s usual exposition dump, and instead the protagonist is telling us about some crazy shit he has experienced years ago.
INTENSE STARING. JAUNTY CAMERA ANGLES. ALTERNATIVE EXPOSITION DUMP.
He was on a walking tour of some WW1 beaches and got lost in a massive storm. Lucky for him he saw some light emanating from a nearby building…
So inviting. Maximum hygge. Camera back to normal.
As he’s been rained on a bit he casually approaches the house and respectfully knocks on the door like a totally normal person ..
LET ME IN I AM NORMAL ALLOW ME TO PRESS MY WHOLE BODY INTO YOUR FRONT DOOR LIKE A COMPLETELY NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO.
For some reason, despite seeing a grown man grinding the door, one of the occupants of the building opens it and lets him in…
Why have you been abusing my keyhole?
After explaining that he’s been caught out in a storm and needs a place to stay, the sort-of-monk-guy leads him through the monastery all serious-like, saying he needs to check this out with his manager. Suddenly the protagonist hears someone making some loud, weird noises…
ARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Oh no. It's furries.
The subordinate monk retuns to take our story-teller to meet his leader.
I'm an actor, so I just stare directly at the camera here, right?
The leader of the monks says that, actually, strange men turning up in the middle of the night demanding food and shelter is not cool with him, and tells him to leave.
We cannot help you, now fuck off back into that storm.
Mr Ellington takes this response poorly, and promptly collapses onto the stone floor.
I just ... wanted ... free stuff.
Rod pops up to recap the last four minutes of the show in case we’ve not understood what is going on.
Mr Ellington has entered ... The Twilight Zone. Thanks Rod, would never have guessed.
Ellington recovers from being BM’d1 and hears some more noises like wolves howling, so goes to investigate. I suppose all the monks have got bored and wandered off, as there is nobody about except some weirdo in a cell.
I AM ALSO NORMAL AS I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE BY GRABBING YOU THROUGH THESE BARS.
The crazy man tells us that it’s all those other monks who are the crazy ones. The head crazy, Jerome, caught him kissing his wife and battered him with a big stick, and now he’s trapped. Apparently all these monks, these “brothers” aren’t part of a religious order, they’re just a bunch of losers who glommed together out here.
Jerome and the doormonk come to see Ellington, and try to convince him to leave the hermitage. They say there is no man in the cellar. Another howl, and Ellington tells Jerome that he must have heard it. He can’t pretend that he was imagining the noise as well as the imprisoned man.
'Honest men make unconvincing liars.' - I thought that was a neat little quote.
Ellington threatens to go to the police about the prisoner, and Jerome decides to tell him the truth rather than, you know, just murdering him. Jerome has heard the howling noises every hour of every day for the last five years.
He explains that what Ellington saw was not a man, but was …
THE DEVIL HIMSELF!. THUNDER AND LIGHTENING ON CUE. DRAMATIC PAUSE.
… the totally predictable twist has finally been revealed and we can now move past it… right into a long monologue by Jerome. He wasn’t always this isolated monk, he spent 40 years out in the real world before becoming sick of it and transforming into the figure before Ellington.
The castle they are operating out of was donated to the monks by the Wolfen family!
Wolfen!
Wolves!
Howling!
You don’t think … ?
Ellington asks the eminently sensible question “how tf do you keep the devil locked up in a cell?”
Well, obviously …
WITH THE STAFF OF TRUTH (you dumbass)!
Jerome thinks he’s convinced Ellington that he’s telling the truth, after Ellington very unconvincingly says how convinced he is. Jerome is pleased with this outcome and says that in the morning Ellington can go home, however tonight he must be looked after by another monk. He must go straight to this other monk’s room and definitely not stop for a chat with the devil.
Ellington stops by the devil's cell for a chat.
Ellington sneaks out of his room later on that night to free the imprisoned man. He discovers that the only thing holding him a prisoner is the staff of truth! Another sensible question “Why don’t you just move it yourself, lazy?”. Because mind your own business, that’s why! Now move this staff.
If only someone had given me some pertinent information about this very specific item at any point tonight.
The cell is unlocked and the man can escape. But wait! What’s this?
Ohhh. Shit.
Wouldn’t ya know, the guy in the cell is being a bad guy almost immediately.
This is not the face of someone about to donate to the local food bank.
Oh Ellington, you moron, it's only bloody Satan innit.
The monks return just in time to be just out of time.
'But ... he told me he wouldn't go freeing any devils tonight'.
'I am sorry for you my son. I did not realise you were actually a fucking retard. That's on me.'
Back to the present day where Ellington is actually telling someone else that, because he let the devil loose, the world suffered WW2, the Korean War, and many other bad things. He dedicated his life to tracking down the devil like Jerome did, and finally he succeeded!
Behold! I have Satan locked up in my wardrobe! Secured with this tiny piece-of-shit metal poker.
Remember, nameless housekeeper, don't open that fuckin' cupboard. It has the devil in there, remember? I just spent the last 30 minutes explaining this. Goodbye.
Guess I'll open that cupboard
Goddamn it.
This episode wasn’t too bad, as Twilight Zone episodes go. The predictable twist took a bit too long to reveal. They milked that “there is no MAN wink wink nudge nudge in that cell knowwhatimsaying” line a bit too hard.
Also what is the point of that howling anyway? It served no purpose other than to just be annoying. Why throw that useless detail about the Wolfen family owning the castle? Did they just not bother with that part of the story?
I thought it was funny that Jerome (PhD) could recognise the devil as he saw him all over the place. Where were you hanging out so much that the devil himself was drawn to the area, Jerome, you deviant.
It was also funny that in order for Ellington to be tricked into opening the devil’s cell, he was told a story and had the devil questioning the sanity of the monks etc, but for the housekeeper all she had to do was to be told not to open the cupboard and within 30 seconds she’s already unbolted it.
Why couldn’t Ellington go visit Jerome on a different date? Why not cancel the housekeeping for that day indefinitely? Why did the monks imprison the devil in the main hallway? Why’s he got a viewing port? Why did no one do more to prevent Ellington from opening the door? Perhaps an actual lock would have been a good idea?
All these questions are irrelevant … in the twilight zone.
Doo do doo doo Doo do doo doo.
17th September 2024
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“Bad mannered” for those of you who haven’t had the displeasure of experiencing online gaming ↩︎
